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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945251">Yachi the Foolish Amorist</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicken_soup444/pseuds/Chicken_soup444'>Chicken_soup444</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, GL, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Subtle Shobio and Tsukkiyama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:09:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,254</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicken_soup444/pseuds/Chicken_soup444</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yachi Hitoka has never been too fond of the idea of dating. She's way too anxious for her own good when it comes to stuff like that, so she never bothers to try and pine after people like others do. Until she meets Kiyoko Shimizu. Yachi figured that it was just a small crush, something she wouldn't have to worry about. But, it's too late when she realizes it's something more. A lot more.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Forget Me Not Disease..?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>! WARNING ! This story contains topics of suicide, and should not be read by anyone who believes that they are not emotionally mature or intelligent enough. If you think you will not be able to understand the depth of this, I suggest you do not read the story. </p><p>Throughout the story, I will be telling you when to play specific songs for a certain scene. To properly set the mood, I have chosen these songs to the best of my ability, so that you, as the reader, can really feel what's happening. You should also be in a quiet room. (Or wear headphones) I'll tell you when to play the song. (This feature disappears throughout the story. I apologize for this.)</p><p>Also, I did not come up with this disease. 'Forget Me Not,' was thought up by @o1kawasgirlfriends on TikTok. Be sure to check them out !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yachi Hitoka has never been too fond of the idea of dating. She's way too anxious for her own good when it comes to stuff like that, so she never bothers to try and pine after people like others do. It's not like she would have a chance with anybody, anyway. She's thought about this her entire life. She's constantly worrying about what others think of her, so the chances of her loving somebody, and them loving her back, is low. But.. If there's anybody she has a chance with, it's her best friend from high school... </p>
<p>Kiyoko Shimizu.</p>
<p>Kiyoko convinced her to join their high school's volleyball club. Well, Yachi only went along with her because she found her overwhelmingly attractive. Everything about her, from her personality, to her determination, to her physical appearance, it was all beautiful. She and Kiyoko do small things together. They attend Hinata and Kageyama's games, and talk with Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Daichi, Tanaka, and Sugawara afterward. On rare occasions, Hinata and Kageyama will join them for dinner, and it's like old times. Ennoshita is usually busy with his job, and Kinoshita and Narita just don't feel like coming a lot of the time. And of course, Asahi and Nishinoya are traveling the world together, so they can't attend. So.. Maybe it isn't exactly like old times, but Yachi still loves it. Especially when Kiyoko talks about the game they watched that day. Her extensive knowledge of volleyball is awesome, and makes her all the more likable. </p>
<p>In short, Kiyoko is a beautiful person, inside and out. But, Yachi would never have a chance with her. She realizes that now. </p>
<p>No...</p>
<p>She realized that a long time ago. All the way back in high school, even. </p>
<p>How did Yachi realize this?</p>
<p>The pain. That's how.</p>
<p>The pain of unrequited love that was obvious through the flower petals.</p>
<p>The coughing, the blood, the aching, all of it. </p>
<p>It really started to kick in when she realized how much Tanaka and Nishinoya liked Kiyoko. Loved her, even. </p>
<p>Yachi knew that they were probably just small puppy crushes. Nothing she needed to worry about. I mean, everyone liked Kiyoko. That's just how it was. </p>
<p>But, she couldn't help the feeling of overwhelming jealousy that started to surround her. </p>
<p>At practices, she started to cough up blood, and it only got worse. Her lungs and heart felt like they were going to pop out of her body, and the pain was all too overwhelming. But Yachi didn't tell anyone that. She didn't want to be the reason everyone messed up during a practice match because they were too worried about her. And so, she didn't. Nobody knew about her odd condition. Until one day, she finally keeled over. Collapsed on the ground in the middle of the court. The last memory she has of that day, was everyone surrounding her, all of them panicking and trying to help her up. It felt kinda good to know that she was cared about. But she felt like too much of a burden for them to think about that for very long. The next day, when she finally awoke, she was diagnosed with...</p>
<p>"Forget Me Not Disease..?" She breathed out.</p>
<p>A one-sided love...  A disease where the person you're in love with, has feelings for somebody else. You slowly start to forget things about the person. It starts small. Things like their birthday, favorite color, or their favorite animal. But as the person with the disease gets closer to their inevitable demise, they start to forget major things. And when somebody forgets the person they love altogether, you know death is near. </p>
<p>"How pathetic."</p>
<p>She was told that she had the option of getting surgery so that she wouldn't die. The side effect being she would never feel the same with the person she loved, ever again.</p>
<p>But...</p>
<p>She didn't want that.</p>
<p>She didn't even realize how she felt for Kiyoko. Didn't even realize that she loved her. All these years, and she didn't figure it out. </p>
<p>But even now that she has...</p>
<p>It's too late.</p>
<p>Never in a million years would Kiyoko like her back. It's never happening.</p>
<p>Ever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Her Eyes Are Smooth and Flawless, Yet Hard And Intense. And That's Terrifying.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>!! TW !! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS !! Yachi's been dreaming about looking out over the town she lived in on a tall, elegant building. All the lights shining brightly in her face like starbursts, as she looks up at the sky to see a starless night. And as she dangled her legs off the side, holding on to the safety railing for dear life, she would wonder about how easy it would be to jump. To fall peacefully at the raging traffic. She would smile and proceed to plummet to the ground, the wind pressing up against her back, as she felt the welcoming ground get closer and more desirable. All her memories, worries, and burdens losing themselves in the moment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>!! TW !! EMETOPOBIA AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS !! In this chapter, I go into a disgusting amount of detail to describe throwing up. If this makes you uncomfortable or triggers you, I suggest you proceed with caution while reading the paragraph that I've marked with, (*) Yachi also has suicidal thoughts in the beginning paragraph of the chapter, so please proceed with caution with this as well.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been three years since Yachi was diagnosed with Forget Me Not Disease, and doctors from all over are surprised she hasn't met her deadline yet. Forget Me Not Disease is a fast working illness. People who are unfortunate enough to have unrequited love as their fate usually meets it within a few days, or even months. But for somebody to live longer than a year at most? It's unheard of. Yachi can't help but think this is all her fault. She's been denying her feelings for Kiyoko for so long, and now it's too late to go back. If she's gonna die a pathetic death, she might as well admit her feelings already. She's been thinking of taking the situation into her own hands by just... ending her own life. It would be much easier than slowly dying, and eventually meeting her end on a hospital bed. She's been dreaming about looking out over the town she lived in on a tall, elegant building. All the lights shining brightly in her face like starbursts, as she looks up at the sky to see a starless night. And as she dangled her legs off the side, holding on to the safety railing for dear life, she would wonder about how easy it would be to jump. To fall peacefully at the raging traffic. She would smile and proceed to plummet to the ground, the wind pressing up against her back, as she felt the welcoming ground get closer and more desirable. All her memories, worries, and burdens losing themselves in the moment. Probably not something that people normally think about, but she can't bring herself to care. There is a bright side to this disease, however. Due to her illness, she throws up small blue flowers called, "Forget Me Not's." She loves how the blood that comes along with the flowers gently bubbles on the petals in small clots, contrasting with the lighter blue color. Sometimes, the very tips of the petals fade into a purple like color. Those are her favorites. Yachi tends to think about her weird infatuation with this, and finds it to be a little odd, but she loves it regardless. </p><p>"Yachi?"</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>"Yachi!"</p><p>"HEY!"</p><p>Something in Yachi's brain clicked, and she was snapped back into reality. It was sudden and electrifying. It was like she was comatose and suddenly regained consciousness. She felt her mood plummet. It wasn't that she hated hanging out with Shoyo and Kiyoko, in fact, she adored hanging out with them. Especially, Kiyoko. But when she's brought back to her gut-wrenchingly harsh reality from her fruitful and vigorous daydream, she get's a little agitated. </p><p>"Are you doin' okay?" Shoyo asked her, oblivious to her irritation. However, she appreciated the thought, so she responded ecstatically as possible.</p><p>"Yeah! I'm good! My head's just in the clouds." </p><p>Kiyoko and Shoyo smiled brightly and enjoyed themselves while they giggled at Yachi's detachment from reality. The humor they found in this made Yachi tear up a bit, but she couldn't help but laugh with them. She really did love them. A lot.</p><p>(*)  Yachi looked down at her coffee that she ordered purely because she wasn't paying attention to the menu. She's overjoyed that she spaced out for so long. She finds herself disliking coffee when it's too hot. It has a bitter and muddy taste to it, and the appearance of it doesn't help whatsoever. However, she can begrudgingly enjoy it. As long as it's lukewarm. You see, because of her illness, the overwhelming and manipulative heat isn't her friend. Just the thought of anything hot makes her stomach whirl. The nauseating feeling made her stomach feel like it was ablaze. The fierce flames of the metaphorical feeling licked her from the inside out, blood spinning around in her stomach like a cosmic storm. It was sleepless, chaotic. She slapped a hand over her mouth as she felt the hot, sticky feeling slide up her throat. It was inexorable, and she took off towards the bathroom without saying a word to Shoyo and Kiyoko. </p><p>After getting rid of the sick feeling in her stomach, she looked down into the toilet. She watched as the blood and water danced with each other, tangling together like two bunnies in heat.</p><p>"They complement each other oddly well.." She said aloud. And, undeniably, she was right. They were like a match made in heaven.</p><p>She walked outta the bathroom stall and walked over to the sink to wash up. The metallic yet thick taste of blood was still on her tastebuds, and it's not like it smelled any better. She looked at herself in the mirror, and couldn't help but smile.</p><p>"How pathetic.." She laughed. It wasn't a laugh she was proud of. It was one that sounded like she was on the verge of insanity. It started off slow, and always got quicker, a horrendous giggle that was filled with hatred and pity towards herself. She knew something was off when she did this, but for the sake of her friends, she decided to just ignore it. </p><p>What a horrible idea.</p><p>                 </p><p>                                                                                  .      .      .      .      .       .     .      .     .    .</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, what happened?" Shoyo asked with concern as Yachi sat down at the table. Yachi appreciated this, but she getting was agitated again. It was just more obvious this time. </p><p>"Nothing. I'm fine!" She chirped, a smile spreading across her face. Kiyoko looked at her. She knew she was lying, Yachi could tell that much. But she never expected what she was gonna say next.</p><p>"How about we go to the park after this?" Kiyoko said with a small smile, her eyes glowing with an undetectable emotion. </p><p>Yachi loved Kiyoko's eyes. They were her most prominent feature. The dark blue color reminded her of Kageyama's eyes. But hers are softer, less sharp. They reminded Yachi of winter. The way they can be absolutely stunning in the sunlight, and how you can barely see her pupils in the dark. But they also reflected just how tense she can be. Like sapphires. Smooth and flawless, yet hard and intense. Those what her eyes reflected now, and it unsettled Yachi to a large extent.</p><p>After that awkward interaction, Yachi decided that today was the day. She was gonna tell Kiyoko how she felt. She knew she would be rejected, but it was better than suffering. She just couldn't take it. It was all too much.</p><p>And besides...</p><p>She would much rather drop dead than live any longer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Truly Unrequited</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Somebody comes along and ruins everything.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please forgive me as my writing style goes through a crisis -3- I'm not a professional author, but I'm pretty confident in my writing skills, so I don't really give a damn if you criticize me or not &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*Listen to, 'Raining in the Suburbs,' by: don C</p><p> </p><p>Yachi is a Pluviophile. She loves being able to tell when it's going to rain just by the feel of the air and the smell. Or maybe, she could just sense it. And she's always right. She enjoyed the feeling of the balmy air gently blowing against her. It contrasted with the particularly wet and frigid rain, soft but plentiful. The only way to describe this feeling was... euphoric. She felt a sense of relief as the melodious downpour splattered on her face, the droplets slowly but surely blowing off of her due to the high speeds the car was going. Yachi loved Shoyo's car for this one reason. It didn't have a roof, so they were left subject to the elements, but Yachi didn't mind. Having a professional volleyball player as your best friend has its perks. Kiyoko noticed Yachi's genuine, yet tiny smile, as her head hung back in a strangely intoxicating euphoria. The two of them locked eyes. There was a silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but the fact that neither Kiyoko nor Yachi knew what the other was going to say next, made Yachi incredibly uneasy. In the end, they both smiled brightly at each other. They exchanged zero words, yet they still knew what the other was thinking.</p><p> </p><p>. . . . . . . . . . . .</p><p> </p><p>As the car rolled up to the parking lot of the park, the light, yet freezing rain gradually started to slow. Yachi was all too overwhelmed from the intense happiness she felt, so she hardly noticed. But when Shoyo ran into the middle of the park, waving his arms and giving Kiyoko and Yachi another one of his alarmingly bright smiles, they couldn't help themselves. They raced over to Shoyo and toppled him over, both Yachi and Kiyoko falling over along with him. The impact wasn't friendly at all. In fact, it felt like one of Shoyo's ribs were stabbing into Yachi's lung, and his laugh wasn't helping. But, seeing both of them happy made her happy, and she couldn't contain herself. She let out a laugh. A laugh that could only be described as.. unrestrained and hearty. It was genuine. Kiyoko and Shoyo admired her laugh. It was almost like they were witnessing it for the first time. Kinda like they wanted to cherish it before it was gone for good since they took it for granted. Yachi's been thinking about that a lot lately. Shoyo and Kiyoko are great friends, and Yachi always enjoys hanging out with them, but she can't help but wonder if they really care. Maybe they're doing it out of pity. Or maybe they feel guilty that they didn't notice something was off, and they're just trying to feel some relief. Yachi wants to believe that they care, she really does. But, overthinking is just that one annoying thing her brain does that's completely unavoidable. It annoys her to a great extent. Yachi shook her head in irritation, struggling to be rid of the thoughts that tend to ruin her day, and sat down on an unoccupied park bench. She plopped herself down a little too hard, and the shock of the hardwood shot up her spine. As she rubbed her tailbone in pain, Kiyoko walked over to her, an unreadable expression on her face. Yachi felt her palms grow hot and start to sweat.</p><p>She always hated this feeling, When her skin is feverish and hot to the touch, and yet the sweat growing on her palms is the complete opposite. It's always so disgustingly unpleasant and frigid. The rain wasn't helping either. Every time a droplet hits her, it felt like they evaporated before they could even find their way down Yachi's body.</p><p>"You know.." Kiyoko started, her mouth parting slightly before she went on.</p><p>"Hinata and I are really worried about you." She looked up at Yachi, a small smile showing at the corners of her lips. Yachi exhaled slowly, her breath shaking slightly as tears welled up in her eyes.</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry!" I didn't mean to make you cry!" Kiyoko panicked, her glasses slipping down her nose a bit as she struggled to find a way to comfort Yachi. She really wasn't doing a good job.. But, man, Yachi really did love her. Yachi wiped her tears away with her thumb and gestured to Kiyoko to continue. Kiyoko hesitated, but managed to speak,</p><p>"It's just.. for the past few years, something has been off. It's been even more noticeable lately, and I can't seem to figure it out." She looked at Yachi, concern spreading across her face.</p><p>"Hinata seems to be more worried than any of us," Kiyoko said, looking up at Shoyo, who was sprinting around the park and catching the rain on his tongue. They both stared at him, disappointment clearly showing up on their faces. Yachi turned to Kiyoko and laughed.</p><p>"Besides that, I can assure you, he really is concerned," Kiyoko said indignantly, a smile spreading across her face from Shoyo's antics.</p><p>"So please.." She rasped, the smile fading.</p><p>"Tell us what's going on." Yachi felt herself hesitate. She struggled to find the right words to say, as her breath hitched in her throat. She couldn't just talk about her unspoken illness, but she felt like she had to tell Kiyoko something. And then, it hit her. The one thing she knew she had to say. The one thing she needed to say. What she wanted to say.</p><p>"..."</p><p>"I lo-"</p><p>"Kiyoko!!"</p><p>. . . . . . . . . . . .</p><p> </p><p>*Listen to, Like a Valley With No Echo, by: Hammock</p><p> </p><p>Yachi felt something explode in her just then. It wasn't irritation or shock, in fact, it was something much more than that. It was nothing but pure rage, bottom to top. It was sheer and unrelenting. She turned around to face the person who disrupted her confession.</p><p>"...Tanaka?"</p><p> </p><p>Yachi grit her teeth and felt the sharp and metallic taste of copper bloom on the bottom of her lip. She really shouldn't be surprised that Tanaka made her feel such unparalleled anger. He of all people has a knack for pissing people off. Especially Yachi. She watched as Tanaka leaped at Kiyoko with overwhelming joy, pressing a kiss on her cheek. Kiyoko giggled under his touch and wrapped her hands around his arms. And suddenly, every moment Yachi had ever had with Kiyoko started to fade in and out. Every emotion, every physical feeling, every doubt, every little thing started to disappear from her memories. A high-pitched static started to play in Yachi's head. It was violent and empty sounding, and that made it even worse. It was like somebody's heart-monitor went deadpan, but it was even more distorted and disturbing. Voices made their way into her head, and yet, she forgot and she smacked her hands over her ears, the impact making her ears and part of her cheeks sting profusely. She felt herself panicking, and the people around her were doing the same. Kiyoko called Shoyo over, and Yachi felt some relief by his presence distracting her from Tanaka, but she still knew he was there. She appreciated the fact that he cared enough about her to be worried, but she didn't give a damn about that at this moment. Her heart and lungs felt as though they were being crushed violently by the strongest hands in the world. She could hardly inhale, as she choked on the blood that was trying to make its way up her throat and out of her body. Then, all of the air was knocked outta her. The loud thud of her body hitting the ground rumbled through her head, and as her muscles started to feel sore from the impact, her vision started to fade. It felt like she could feel everything, yet nothing all at once. Her lungs still felt compressed, yet she almost couldn't feel them. Almost like a valley with no echo. If only somebody could yell into that valley, just to make her feel like she wasn't alone. In the end, she didn't get to tell Kiyoko what she wanted to say. What she needed to say. And as her sight started to deteriorate, the last thing she saw was the gentle rain dripping off the bench. It didn't comfort her in the way she wanted. And that's when she realized... She wasn't a Pluviophile anymore.</p><p> </p><p>. . . . . .</p><p> </p><p>*Listen to, 'Jelly' by: Jk Beatbook</p><p>Yachi felt as though her body was made up of tiny, crushed stars. Beautiful, but could easily be blown away into the night if somebody blew hard enough, the fluorescent glimmer of the stardust shining along with the rain that was still pouring outside her window. She felt such a horrible feeling of heartbreak with one glance at the rain. It nearly ripped the slow beating organ to shreds. It felt obsessive and ongoing, and, apparently, endless. It felt permanent. She awoke that morning feeling disappointed, to say the least. She probably was asleep for much longer than she thought, but she woke up sooner than she wanted to. To put it simply... she didn't wanna wake up at all. She wanted to tell the chemical in her body that controls sleep to overproduce itself so she could sleep forever. That way, she could still be there if someone needed her, but would no longer have to deal with being awake. She would then settle back into her nightmares. Not dead, but not awake enough to be alive. She knows just how selfish that sounds, but she really can't bring herself to care. She's usually an incredibly caring person, but lately, she hasn't seen much importance in those values. I mean, why are people obligated to be nice anyway? People will say, "because it's human decency," but that's honestly so stupid. If somebody doesn't feel like being nice, why should they be in the first place? If they don't wanna be nice, they don't have to be.</p><p>She looked beside her bed and noticed a note.</p><p>"Yachi, please eat these once you wake up! Osamu made em' for you, and he said that it's made with a special ingredient that'll make you feel better. I've gone to see Tsukki, but I'll probably be back once you wake up!" - T. Yamaguchi</p><p>Tadashi always signed his name like that. Yachi could never figure out the reason behind his odd signature, but it must be because he works for a professional home electronics company.</p><p>"Guess he's gotten used to it." Yachi smiled slightly. She was even more surprised that one of the Miya twins made rice ball's for her.</p><p>"They must be pretty tasty then." She practically gorged herself on the rice ball's Tadashi left for her right then and there. Osamu really did make a lot of them, and she ate every single one much faster than she should have. And ma, she's never had anything so goddamn good in her entire life. With all her chewing, she almost didn't hear Tadashi walk into the room, Tsukishima right behind him.</p><p>"Morning, Yachi!"</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Tsukishima sounds just as aloof and nonchalant as usual." Yachi thought, a laugh escaping her lips. They both felt so familiar. Especially Tadashi, whom she lived with. Tsukishima came by a lot, and the three of them get along quite well together. They always managed to include Yachi in some way, even though they were closer than they led on to be. And when they were eating lunch together, and Yachi was left by herself, Kanoka would come over. Kanoka had gotten over Tanaka in high school, so Yachi could openly talk to her about how she felt, and Kanoka would understand. She really did have a lot of people who cared about her, and she couldn't believe that she second-guessed that fact.</p><p>"Are you doin' alright? We brought more rice balls from Osamu if you want them." Tadashi handed her a bag with the lettering, "Omgiri Miya" written on the front. Yachi practically snatched the bag from him, mumbling a "sorry" even though they could hardly understand her. They both smiled a bit and sat down next to her. Tsukishima started to work for the Sendai City Museum in Miyagi a few months ago, and Yachi was really eager to hear about that. But when she asked how it was going, he immediately started talking about the cool stuff there, and what he's learned about the world so far. She would've never expected Tsukishima to be so excited about museums, but his voice still managed to remain tone-deaf like usual, so maybe she just never noticed the passion that Tsukishima has. Tadashi told Yachi all about Japan's volleyball team, and just how amazing Tobio's service aces are, and Shoyo's receives, technique, speed, and of course, the weirdo quick they still manage to pull off after all these years. He also spoke with a lot of gusto when he mentioned Tsukishima's games. Yachi managed to make him even more embarrassed by admitting how incredible his blocking is. Tsukishima was unable to pull out a cold retort like he usually did, and Yachi was almost relieved by that. He just changed the subject by talking about his team, the Sendai City Frogs, who has Kanji Koganegawa who graduated from Date Tech, and Kentaro Kyoutani who graduated from Seijoh. Tadashi made a joke about the fact that their three main players to look out for are blond, and all three of them laughed at that statement. Tsukishima went on to describe what it's like being on a team with those two, and it almost seemed to be endearing, until he got to their personalities. Apparently, Tsukishima still gets pretty agitated around hot-blooded people who're high strung, but that's not really surprising.</p><p>"At least you can admit how incredible your teammates are, right?"</p><p>"I tell him that all the time." Tadashi sighed.</p><p>"He usually just shrugs it off with a, "I can do that with everybody" type a' face, and leaves it at that."</p><p>Yachi burst out laughing.</p><p>"Still pretty smug, huh, Tsukki?" They both taunted him, and Tsukishima grabbed a rice ball and bit into it with irritation, a small smile showing on his face. The rest of the day was just them eating a bunch of rice balls, talking about their jobs, making fun of each other, reminiscing over volleyball, and just having fun until Tsukishima had to go to practice.</p><p>"Tell Kentaro and Koganegawa I said hi!" Yachi called after him, and Tsukishima nodded, taking his leave. After he shut the door, Yachi flopped down onto her bed, sighed, and almost immediately felt sick to her stomach. She must've been having s much fun, she didn't realize how much pain she was in.</p><p>"What secret ingredient was in these things, laxatives?" She regretted every minute of eating so many rice balls. It was clear Tadashi felt the same way, as he threw himself onto the end of her bed, his eyes closing instantly. Yachi did the same.</p><p>*ding*</p><p>Yachi cracked her eyes open and picked up her phone. She hoped the brightness of her screen wouldn't be too much, but to her dismay, it was. She shook her head, trying to be rid of the overwhelming shock, and looked at her phone.</p><p>"Sorry if you're asleep at the moment, but could you meet me at the park?"</p><p>It was Kiyoko.</p><p>Yachi hesitated. It had been days since she saw her, yet it had felt like years.</p><p>"..."</p><p>"I'll be there."</p><p>Tadashi was still crashed out at the end of her bed, so she tried to be as careful as possible as to not wake him up. She successfully made it over him and got dressed as quickly as possible. Right when she was about to make it out the door, she nearly slipped on a Forget Me Not flower petal. If this disease didn't kill her first, she might just slip and crack her head open because of these godforsaken flowers.</p><p>She decided to walk to the park instead. It wasn't too far, and the frigid air of the night felt good. She liked it when it nipped at her face. It was almost painful in a way. As she breathed in, the sharp air pricked at the inside of her nose. She didn't really enjoy this feeling, but it did feel a little nice when she could breathe so clearly like that. Her cheeks, nose, and the tips of her ears were tinted with a light blush color as she got closer to the park. The street lamps complemented the icy puddles quite well, the water glowing yellow under the bright shade of color. It reminded Yachi of Shoyo smiling. His joyful expressions were always so unnaturally... beautiful. No wonder Tobio was so head over heels for him. Yachi then thought about Kiyoko's smile. Just the thought of it made her heart burst. She really was whipped for her, there was no denying it.</p><p>And she didn't mind.</p><p>Not at all.</p><p> </p><p>. . . . . . . .</p><p> </p><p>She rounded the corner of a building and saw Kiyoko standing under a Yoshino cherry tree. The stunning vase-shaped canopy unfurling from an exotic, upright branching pattern really fit Kiyoko's facial features. The smooth, gray bark matched how her skin looked and felt, yet the pinkish flowers matched nothing but the slight blush she got from the cold.</p><p>Yup.</p><p>Yachi loved her.</p><p>She walked over to Kiyoko, who didn't say a word, but acknowledged she was there with a nod. They stood there in silence for a few heartbeats, but it ended up feeling like they were standing there for years.</p><p>"I..I'm not very good with words, so I've decided to just show you what I wanna say instead." Kiyoko hesitated a bit, but she wanted to make it clear just how serious she was about this. She ushered Yachi to follow her over to her car and opened the door for her. Yachi got in, and quietly panicked when Kiyoko sat down.</p><p>"So..where are we headed?" She asked, the words rolling off her tongue in an unsatisfying way, the nervousness clear in her voice.</p><p>Kiyoko responded.</p><p>"Tokyo."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Life Is Like A Yoshino Cherry Tree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This took a lot longer than I thought it would, so I apologize for that ! This one is gonna be a bit shorter than the last chapter, but I hope it's enjoyable.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yachi had never given much thought to death. I mean, when she was younger, one of her biggest fears was not knowing what she would do if she was in a situation where she could die. But now, she's in that exact situation, and death is guaranteed. And she still doesn't know what she'll do. She's terrified of death, but she's also drawn to it. Ah, but I suppose that's just how humanity is, huh? Nobody knows what happens after somebody passes, and that's because nobody has lived to tell the story. Because, of course, they're dead. And yet, even though nobody actually knows what goes on in the afterlife, if there is one, people are drawn to it. They're fascinated by it. But no matter how intriguing it may seem, people are still scared to die. That's how it is. And Yachi can't help but wonder about the logic behind that. If you've already experienced the nothingness before life, why be scared of what happens after? That's how she sees it. Life is kinda like a Yoshino cherry tree. During the spring and summer, the petals of the tree are a beautiful pinkish color. Some bloom more than others, and sometimes, a petal won't look as extravagant as it's supposed to. Quite a few petals end up like that, but it doesn't mean the rest of the flowers aren't pretty. Some parts of the tree are uglier than others, and you might feel like chopping the whole thing down when that happens. But there are parts of it that are beautiful, so you shouldn't give up on it too soon.</p><p>"What're you thinking about?" Kiyoko asked, her unreadable gaze falling upon Yachi.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, nothing. Just Yoshino cherry trees." Kiyoko gave her a surprised look but smiled a little bit. Almost like she knew exactly what she meant. </p><p> </p><p>"I just.. have no idea how to put how I'm feeling into words..." Yachi continued. "If I were to oversimplify it, I would say that I feel like a pubescent teenager. Puberty is a game of emotional pinball, right? Hormones that surge, feelings that ricochet between exhilarating highs and gut-churning lows. That's the dizzying, intoxicating feeling I'm getting right now." Yachi glanced at Kiyoko for one slight second, and immediately regretted every thought about going back home. Kiyoko looked happy. She didn't know what it was, but it felt more genuine. She hated herself for the fact that she couldn't bring out this real smile more often. After that, their conversation moved smoothly. The things they spoke about were darker than Yachi had anticipated, but she wouldn't have any other way. It was intelligible and enjoyable, and they both clicked together like puzzle pieces. It felt like they had known each other for ages. And of course, they had. But lately, it didn't feel like it. Getting out like this with Kiyoko was one of the most euphoric things Yachi had ever experienced, and nothing about that fact bothered her. At some point, Yachi fell asleep. It was an incredibly peaceful sleep, probably the first one in ages that didn't involve her taking melatonin. It was practically instantaneous, yet so genial, it terrified her. </p><p> </p><p>                                                                                 .       .       .         .         .         .          .           .</p><p> </p><p>Bright light filtered through Yachi's eyelashes as she opened her eyes, the overwhelming shock of neon colors jolting her awake.</p><p> </p><p>"W-where are we?" Her sleepy voice cracked.</p><p> </p><p>"We're in Kabukicho!" Kiyoko exclaimed, the lights reflecting off her glasses. Waking up next to her is like moving from one amazing dream to a better one, but as Yachi looked around, she may have found something even more therapeutic. The mystic and ethereal lights had colors that could only be described as vibrant and breathtaking. Her undiluted love for Kiyoko and the scenery all came crashing down on her at once. Kabukicho is Tokyo's Red Light District. Although the in red in, "Red Light District," is hinting at Kabukicho's abundance of crimson-colored lights, it can also be taken as a warning, as Kabukicho is one of the worst places to be in all of Shinjuku. Yachi knew all of this, and yet, nothing could waver the overwhelmingly happy feeling rising in her throat. The city felt alive, and the welcoming atmosphere was nice to be in. And yet, the people in the crowds emitted a paranoid energy. Almost like they were anticipating something. This made Yachi incredibly uneasy, but Kiyoko's presence made it a lot more bearable. Besides, she has the attention span of a goldish, and quickly forgot about the uncomfortably thick atmosphere. So thick, in fact, you could cut it with a knife. </p><p> </p><p>"There's somewhere specific I wanted to go," Kiyoko stated quietly, the energy in the crowd blending with her unreadable and nonchalant tone of voice. She wasn't irritated or uncomfortable by any means, just a little on edge. Yachi nodded and gave Kiyoko and worried glance.</p><p> </p><p>                                                                                    .          .          .            .          .           .        </p><p> </p><p>Yachi felt a deep and steadying breath escape her lungs.</p><p> </p><p>"What a.. spectacular view..." As she and Kiyoko reached the peak of an exquisite building, the abundance of lights below their feet shocked Yachi. It was dizzying and unrestricted. A wondrously panoramic view that could only be described as picturesque, pleasing. Yachi walked over the edge of the building, Kiyoko following close behind her. She smiled and sat down, her feet dangling off the side. She felt sick to her stomach in the best way possible, and she took an interest in the metaphorical butterflies flying in her stomach. She wanted to see if she could make them flutter even more, so she moved closer to the edge.</p><p> </p><p>"So.. why did you wanna come up here?" She asked Kiyoko, who was staring at the lights down below. Yachi's breath hitched in her stomach as Kiyoko put her hand on hers, her heart practically exploding.</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted to tell you something really important. I didn't know how you would react, so I decided to get away from public spaces." Yachi nodded, and the butterflies started to rage. Except.. they didn't feel so nice anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"..."</p><p> </p><p>"What is it?" The suspense was killing her. She hated waiting for somebody just as nervous as her to say what they wanted to say. It was excruciating. Just as Yachi was about to express her nervousness, Kiyoko started quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"Tanaka and I are getting married."</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Conversation Hearts, Sunsets, and Weddings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yachi attended the wedding of a woman she loved.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She stood in the corner as they slow danced. As Tanaka spun Kiyoko around intricately and ceremonially, her elegant white dress swishing along with her, Yachi could see her smile. It was visible poetry, really. A rare sight, a smile that Yachi had only captured herself, once. It was downright fucking lovely. And yet... Yachi had never felt more disgusted at the sight of it. She numbly clapped her hands as they were presented, man and wife.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She attended the wedding of a woman she loved.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She scrawled her name in their guestbook and tasted ash when they toasted champagne.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She attended the wedding of a woman she loved. She adorned emerald green, marveling at how beautiful Kiyoko beamed in white.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She attended the wedding of a woman she loved. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Tanaka's bride rounded the corner, his face broke apart. Like clouds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All around Yachi were flames.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She attended the wedding of a woman she loves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Congratulations!" She beamed at both the bride and groom. "I'm so happy for you both!" If she could describe how she felt in words, she would describe herself as a symbolic painting. The true meaning of the piece of artwork hidden from plain sight, but easy to recognize. She had never felt so disgustingly envious in her entire life. Shoyo, Tsukishima, Tadashi, and Kanoka approached her a few times. Shoyo gave her a few overpriced Valentine's Day conversation hearts that read cheesy stuff like, "# Love" and "Hug me." Yachi thought it was pretty sweet, so she stuffed them all in her mouth at once, allowing herself to get drunk on the overbearing sweetness, the pain turning into honey on her tongue. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>.       .       .         .        .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the rest of the day, Tsukishima, Shoyo, Kanoka, and Tadashi didn't let Yachi think about what took place. But everywhere they went, everything reminded her of Kiyoko. Exquisite views, big, unsettling crowds, the cafe, the park, everything. Yachi had the most painful memories flash through her body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Every.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Single.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She started to resent her friends for what they were doing to her, but she knew they were just trying to help. Even if they weren't doing a spectacular job.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually, Shoyo and Kanoka had to leave, and Tsukishima accompanied Tadashi and Yachi home. The entire day was one huge blur for her. She could hardly remember anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yachi!" Tadashi called her over before she could wallow in her heartbreak alone. He and Tsukishima were looking at the sunset together. The sight of it put Yachi at ease. Even if just for a little while. The sky was brilliantly splotched with red and orange, the sun filling the horizon with the deep color of rubies, setting the clouds ablaze. It looked spectacular, yet felt so.. apocalyptic. Like something gut-wrenchingly horrible was about to happen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"It seems kinda cruel, doesn't it?" Yachi started, her voice cracking pitifully.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"..."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"For the end of the world to be so beautiful."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yachi broke into a laugh. It was neither genuine nor sincere. It was stiff and humorless. Painful. "It hurts! It uh.. it really hurts."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>God, when did the sun get so blurry?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shit.. I-I'm sorry-! I guess I'm actually crying h-huh?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She then practically dissolved in front of Tsukishima and Tadashi, her tears marvelous, crystalline, and clear. Tsukishima sighed. It wasn't an irritated sigh, but more of a, "I'm clueless when it comes to comforting people," sigh. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"C'mere," Tadashi whispered, sympathy thick on his tongue. Yachi buried her face into his chest, tears staining his shirt. As the sun slowly set, the sky losing its vibrant color, Tsukishima and Tadashi smiled at each other. Almost like they knew Yachi would be okay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They couldn't have been more wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just to be clear, the only reason the chapter progresses so quickly is because of Yachi. For her, the entire day is just a blur. She hardly processes everything that's happened. I just wanted to capture that aspect of the story. The next chapter is gonna be pretty lengthy, so don't worry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. What A Fruit This Bitter Earth Bears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I don't really know how to write Tsukishima, but in the second to last episode of season 4, he goes on this whole monologue about how Shoyo and Tobio are the only ones who could've blocked the Miya twins' quick attack from the back. He tends to go off about things like that quite often in the series, and he's not afraid to state his opinion. He always just says what he thinks, so I decided to include that little element of his personality into the story. I hope it's enjoyable ! I also wanna apologize for taking so long. I was planning to finish this on March 18th, and as you can see, it is *not* March 18th. Anywhoo,, enjoy !</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yachi had been in and out of her own head for the past few weeks, only ever leaving to have a few vague conversations with Tadashi. Her dietary choices have been limited to multiple bags of rice balls made by Osamu. At this point, she's tired of wanting anything more in life. I mean, what's the point, anyway? Biologically, humans are organisms who're lucky enough to have coherent conversations, feelings, thoughts, and actions with other organisms who have the same functions. In the end, everybody dies. You don't have to fit into everything your entire life, because eventually, we all die. No one's going to remember you one day. It could take hundreds of years, but sooner or later, everyone will forget. What you do to others and what others do to you won't matter one day. That god-forsaken feeling of loneliness hasn't stopped agitating Yachi. It was unexpectedly poignant and intolerable. It was lovelorn..</p><p> </p><p>They say darkness feeds on negative emotions, your thoughts ultimately taking anything positive. Yachi supposes it's true. Because alas, she feels like a piece of shit at night.</p><p>She takes three too many sleeping pills at night. In the back of her mind, she hopes it'll be enough to kill her, pushing her into a deep sleep forever. Even though she knows you can't overdose on sleeping pills like melatonin, it felt like a gamble. Sometimes, she liked to amp up the dosage by a pill or two just for some much-needed excitement. </p><p>She usually falls asleep within the first blink. </p><p> </p><p>Ultimately, mornings are a bitch. </p><p>She's never sure if it's the tiredness from her overtake in pills, or her mind just genuinely being shitty, but waking up is a hassle. The constant feeling of a burdensome darkness she can't explain lingering above, fucking up her mentality to the point of wanting to shrivel up and stop breathing.</p><p>It's suffocating.</p><p> </p><p>It's the same every damn morning. Yachi wakes up trying to find a reason to even get outta bed in the first place. It always feels like she's walking a metaphorical tightrope. The thin little string high up in the sky wobbling, as she tries to get a better view while searching for a single care in the world.</p><p><em>Beds are too comfortable</em>, she thinks to herself. </p><p>She tends to spend all day suffocating herself in blankets and pillows. It's like a cloud, and sometimes, she begs for it to take her away so she can float above the sky. An intoxicating feeling anybody could get drunk off of.</p><p> </p><p>Lately, she's been thinking about a lot of things when by herself, eyes constantly fixated on the ceiling, only moving occasionally just so she doesn't lose her sanity to her subconscious. Compared to her eyes, her brain races like no tomorrow. Sometimes, she wonders if she and Kiyoko were ever meant to cross paths.</p><p>She wonders if.. she even had a chance.</p><p>Or maybe, this is all just some unforgiving memory that she's supposed to relive every minute of her life.</p><p>Maybe she and Kiyoko have a romance that is never spoken about in fairy tales. The kind that causes pure chaos.</p><p>A destruction so beautiful.. that it ruins you completely.</p><p>But you can't help but feel in awe, as it really showed you the reality of falling headfirst into a love that will forever remain unrequited.</p><p> </p><p>Just how fucking cruel does life have to be? Yachi herself is surprised she hasn't died yet. Fate is probably keeping her alive for a reason, but at this point, it feels like the entire universe is against her. She desperately hopes that feeling is normal, as she definitely complains about it too much. She has a right though, doesn't she?</p><p> </p><p>Considering the rarity of Yachi's disease, it's not like many could understand. And that pisses her off, royally. She's not the type of person who wants her peers to suffer along with her, but she's not some angel who just deals with the pain quietly, either.</p><p>"Nobody wants to be around a whiny-ass, 'woe is me' person, Oh, boo hoo! She has a deadly disease caused by unrequited love. Gimme a damn break." Yachi said aloud, cursing herself.</p><p> </p><p>"You alright in here?"</p><p>Yachi snapped her gaze towards the tone-deaf-sounding voice, her heart practically jumping out of her chest.</p><p>"Tsukishima? What're you doing here?"</p><p>"Wow, you sound really excited to see me. Your heart must be bursting with joy."</p><p>Yachi giggled. It was louder than she thought it would be, but she couldn't restrain it. It was nice to have somebody who was such a sarcastic realist keeping her company.</p><p>"Sorry."</p><p>Tsukishima smiled. It wasn't an incredibly visible smile, but you could see it in his eyes. Yachi loved that.</p><p> </p><p>He walked over to Yachi and asked the one question she was dreading with every bone in her body.</p><p>"Are you doing okay?"</p><p>You could tell he felt pretty uncomfortable and awkward about the whole situation, and was doing his best to console Yachi about how she was feeling.</p><p> </p><p>"..."</p><p>"I'm doing how anybody would do in this situation."</p><p> </p><p>Tsukishima sighed.</p><p>"I'm going to apologize for this right now, but I've never experienced unrequited love before. I have no clue what it's like, and I'm not about to say I understand when I obviously don't.</p><p>"So, please. Help me get the hint." Once again, his voice remained nonchalant and aloof, but Yachi could tell he meant all of what he said.</p><p>She almost burst into tears right then and there.</p><p> </p><p>Yachi proceeded to tell Tsukishima about what she had been feeling these past couple of weeks. Sometimes, her voice started to crack in agony, and she hated the painful lump rising in her throat, metaphorical thorns making simple breathing a struggle, but she managed to keep her emotions under a tight lock for most of the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>It took a long time, but she finally got out what she needed to say, and glanced over at Tsukishima, whose eyes seldom left her face throughout the whole vent. He actually paid attention, and Yachi started to tear up again, her eyes suddenly finding the floor incredibly interesting.</p><p>Tsukishima smiled at her and looked up at the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>"They say that love is patient, and love is kind."</p><p>Yachi's gaze fell onto again, surprised he decided to utter a single word.</p><p> </p><p>He continued.</p><p> </p><p>"However, the biggest lie you'll ever hear is that love is easy."</p><p>"One of these days, somebody is gonna fall in love, and I'll spare you the suspense. That love will fuck up. The only way to love someone is to let them hurt you. And therefore, love is pain."</p><p>"Some days, it'll hurt so bad, you'll wish you could sleep and never wake up, bury your heart beneath a mountain of soft pillows."</p><p>"Love hurts."</p><p>"And sometimes, people'll say, 'you'll get over it, time heals all wounds.' Yeah, don't listen to that shit, they're lying. Some wounds, especially wounds caused by an unreciprocated love, will never, ever heal. You'll lie in bed for days, you won't pick up the phone, you start..asking yourself what you could've done differently."</p><p>"Now, you can wait for time to heal you, or you can decide that you don't need to be healed. Because fuck them! If the wounds wanna stick around, you tell them here, today: stay."</p><p>"You're gonna find the courage to love again with the hurt, and you're gonna find the courage to laugh again with the hurt. And one of these days, you're gonna realize...they don't hurt so bad anymore."</p><p>"Not because time healed, them and not even because <em>you </em>healed them. But because you found the strength to live with them. And just like all those wounds that won't go away..the strength you found to bear them?"</p><p>"That won't ever go away either."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced back down at Yachi.</p><p> </p><p>"...Yachi?"</p><p>"You okay?"</p><p>"Hitoka!"</p><p>"<em>HEY!</em>"</p><p> </p><p>                                                                            .      .     .       .        .       .</p><p> </p><p>Yachi's eyes glanced around the room, her brain immediately getting bored of the abundance of white and blue all over the place. She could tell quite a bit of time had passed since she and Tsukishima spoke, but she couldn't tell how much. Luckily, enough, she had the mind to ask the anxious-looking nurse next to her what was going on. She was in the hospital because of anemia and apparently passed out due to a sudden loss of oxygen to the brain. It's pretty serious, especially when accompanied by the disease she currently has. But, out of everything that was said, the words, "you'll be fine" were good enough for her. However, she hardly processed the "for now" after that sentence. Apparently, Yachi had been startling her nurses with numerous bouts of sleep apnea. Next to her was a table with a bouquet and a manifold of balloons and cards. Tsukishima and Tadashi were fast asleep in these horrendously uncomfortable-looking chairs, and Yachi decided to let them sleep so they wouldn't have to deal with the pain they were gonna feel once they awoke.</p><p>Sleep just seemed so much more peaceful, so she slipped back into it.</p><p> </p><p>Aches of various kinds woke her up hours later, but the main one was a carnal and stark hunger. She consumed nothing the day before, and the feeling was ravenous. Her stomach was practically sucking up against her spine, the organ slowly eating itself. </p><p>"Here." Tsukishima, who was now awake, handed her a small bag of pretzels.</p><p>Not what Yachi had expected, but it's something, and was it was a nice thought.</p><p>"Thank you!"</p><p> </p><p>Yachi had never inhaled something so fast. Pretzels were her new favorite food, as those salted and baked pieces of crunchy bread were the greatest things she's ever tasted. They were just pretzels, but it felt really good to eat something other than rice balls.</p><p> </p><p>As she finished the last of the pretzels, a few falling from her grip due to her groggy and woozy state, Tsukishima took the bag from her and tossed it into the trashcan.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey.. Tsukishima?"</p><p>"Yeah? What is it?" He locked eyes with her, surprised to find them clouded to the brim with gratitude.</p><p>Yachi hesitated, but continued.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"For everything."</p><p>"..."</p><p> </p><p>Tsukishima smiled.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>                                                                                       .      .       .        .       .        . </p><p> </p><p>After Tsukishima and Tadashi left, Yachi was bored outta her mind. The chance of losing her sanity to her subconscious crept up on her again, so she forced herself to stay awake. Oh, what a complicated relationship she has with the part of her brain that controls her imagination and memories. Until a few days ago, she didn't realize just how physically and mentally taxing insomnia can be to a person's body. She had gotten pretty irritable, and struggled to fall asleep, even though she was constantly exhausted. Because of her overactive imagination making her anxiety worse, her condition developed into something more unbearable. Every day, her body would jerk violently as cough after cough battered at her. Eventually, she falls asleep feeling like she's about to cough up a lung, her eyes closing as her body shakes from time to time by more fits of coughing. It would be a lot more painful if it weren't for the blood slicking her throat, soothing the muscles just enough. After a few days, bloody flowers and small, yet thick clots of blood scattered her hospital room.  Doctors know what's causing this, but Yachi refuses to have the surgery. She knows just how stubborn she's being, but she's not about to let somebody she doesn't even know, take away every single painful, yet beautiful memory of her love from her. That metaphorical feeling of butterflies was accompanied by a weird sensation; she refused to let that leave her. It felt like acid gnawing away at her skin pleasantly and unpleasantly all at once. It tended to stop when she glanced away from Kiyoko, but once it did, it felt like she needed to throw up, get rid of the feeling altogether.</p><p> </p><p>Looking out her window, she saw how the wind drove the clouds across the night sky, so that the waxing half-moon shed only slivers of light through the gaps.</p><p>She found her conundrum- ah, no.. her situation, to be faintly pleasurable. Or rather, she felt at ease with it. It was comprehensible, and yet, so incalculably powerful. She felt as though she could not possibly remain in this hospital room any longer. It was bone-chilling and stagnant. It felt as though the whole room was windowless, escape only plausible if she were to sacrifice something dear to her.</p><p><em>Just when I thought I could understand my disease,</em> she thought to herself in agitation, forcing herself to focus on a brighter side. (If there even is one.)</p><p> </p><p>She glanced down at her stomach and gently pulled up her shirt, the bottom visibly rounding out. She narrowed her eyes, stuck out a finger, and poked it. It was.. unpleasantly squishy.</p><p>She let out a throaty laugh.</p><p><em>I guess that proves how bored I've gotten,</em> she groaned to herself, an arm wrapping around her stomach. The soft warmth emitting from it comforted her.</p><p> </p><p>After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, trailing her fingers up and down her tummy, she heard a familiar voice in the hall.</p><p>"Shoyo?"</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Shoyo had gotten both of them slushies. Two cups of soft, wet, slurry frozen water, and sugar mixture.. were given to her.</p><p>And oh, what pure joy erupted in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>As Shoyo handed Yachi the drinks, he smiled brightly and said, "go ahead a freeze your brain!"</p><p>Suddenly an overwhelming feeling of shock washed over her. It was like a bolt of lightning struck her head, the impact sending her brain whirling.</p><p><em>Freeze your brain..</em> She looked down at the cup in her hands, the freezing condensation on the outside slicking her hand wet. She sucked on the straw and quickly as possible, and...</p><p>Her brain practically malfunctioned.</p><p>She had shattered her skull to fight pain with more pain. It was a horrible, excruciating feeling, and she despised every minute of it. And yet..</p><p>It felt good.</p><p>It was a brilliant cold, yet so unbearable. It had numbed all her pain, and she had never felt more euphoric. And so, she kept doing it, the slushy drink sliding onto her tongue, the muscles in her throat soothed by it.</p><p> </p><p>Shoyo looked at her, his eyes lidded and clouded with seriousness all of a sudden.</p><p>"Listen, Yachi. I don't know what your situation looks like, nor do I have a guess."</p><p> </p><p>Yachi tilted her head. She could tell that Shoyo was trying to distract her from what was going on. That's the reason he brought her slushees in the first place.</p><p>No wonder he's been acting so upbeat lately. Yachi didn't know how to feel about that. She knows just how intelligent he is when it comes to feelings, and she hates seeing him fake emotions he doesn't even feel. She knows just how much Shoyo cares about her and their friends. He always has, but he tends to go too far, and that's what Yachi is terrified of. </p><p>After a while, she shook her head to rid herself of her overthinking, and caught him mid-sentence.</p><p>"All I do know is that everything happening in your life is extreme. Like, really crazy," he exclaimed, his hands waving around wildly with his words.</p><p>"But in case you didn't know already, the extreme always seems to leave an impression."</p><p> </p><p>Yachi's eyes widened. Something about those words resonated with her. In a way, she didn't know how to interpret that. She supposes stuff like that should be left to what a specific person believes to be the "correct answer," even though there is none. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, Hinata."</p><p>"For reminding me I'm not alone."</p><p>  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heathers: The Musical references are always iconic, so hopefully somebody catches it ^^</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Little More Selfish, Little Less Human</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>!! TW !! Suicidal mentions and intent !! I've marked the specific paragraphs with a, * </p>
<p>Please proceed with caution.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I absolutely DESPISE the last chapter with every bone in my body, but I have pretty high hopes for this one. It's also going to be a bit shorter than I had hoped, but I genuinely didn't have a lot of content for this chapter. The next one'll be longer ! (I hope.) Stay safe, and enjoy the chapter !</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>  Yachi is selfish. She realizes that now. Her stay at the hospital has resulted in severe insomnia, so she's had her fair share of thoughts, but nothing as profound as realizing her true nature. They say that being selfish is actually good for your well-being. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of others? Yachi can see the logic behind that. However, it's also a common saying that people who have selfish tendencies are more confident and goal-oriented. They are less likely to give up. Every achievement she's ever received has been replaced with newfound self-hate, and every goal she had hoped to reach has been wiped away from her line of sight. She can't see a reason to try, and that's why she feels selfish. She wants to try, and she wants to be there for her friends, but it's hard. It's hard when you can't even begin to comprehend what living as a human being is like anymore. If anything, her fascination with people has grown, but she couldn't bear to lump herself in with them. She can't help but ponder about what it's like to live unburdened by self-hate or selfishness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was overthinking again. That's been happening a lot, lately. She and Kiyoko haven't spoken since the wedding, and Yachi can't help but wonder what's she's thinking about. If they were to meet up again, what would she (Yachi) say? There was an ocean of silence between them, and Yachi slowly drowning in it. She wondered constantly if Kiyoko felt the same.</p>
<p>Lately, when thinking about Kiyoko, it feels she has the burden of carrying a boulder on her shoulders, her collarbones painfully cracking under the pressure as they started to stick through her muscles. Eventually, they would snap, and Yachi was waiting for that moment. That one unfortunate scene in her story that would drive her insane. She was anticipating it, as it was inevitable. A part of Yachi wishes she could leave her life behind forever. What a fruitful paradise that would be; to just forget about Kiyoko and feel alive again. It sounds like a pie in the sky dream, but that won't stop her from thinking about it. Slowly but surely, however, she could feel that dream crumbling; falling to pieces as the thought of it sends her heart hammering, a grief-stricken hole pierced through her gut.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Aside from the days where somebody, (somebody being Shoyo, Tsukishima, Tadashi, or Kanoka) would visit her, her days at the hospital remained relatively monotonous. She spends most of her time staring at four blank walls that, to her, remained completely stagnant and vast. And so, to lighten up her excruciatingly tedious lifestyle, she took up writing. It's a shock she had the motivation to do anything whatsoever, but writing was a good way to release unwanted emotion. Unfaltering emotions and resentment that lead to festering actions and words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If there's anything she's learned from literature, it's that some written pieces sound the way it feels to have a rib out of place. You never see it coming, but before you know it, there are a few characters that are so disgustingly relatable, they pierce through the gap in your ribcage, latch onto your heart, and squeeze. They either completely crush it, or they pepper the surface with soft touches. Both hurt just as much. That's the kind of emotional pain she wanted to induce into anybody who ever read her work. She doesn't expect to ever make it anywhere with this little hobby, but she enjoys doing it. And that's enough. The first story starred Shoyo as the main character. Most people enjoy an upbeat protagonist, however, people who're characterized like that in movies and books can be so utterly agitating, you wanna take all their hope and joy and shove it down their throats. She wanted to make his character happy-go-lucky, yet not so one-dimensional. And so, she decided to base the character off of Shoyo's high school self. However, in order to do that properly, she had to ask Kageyama, as he basically spent all of his time with him when they were kids. Kageyama used <em>plenty</em> of stupidly honest words, but he also showed such, (unintentional or not) faith in him. Yachi knows just how much Kageyama believes in Shoyo, so she made his character someone people could look up to. But since at the start, Kageyama and Shoyo had a few.. problems, she decided to give her main character a rival; somebody he disliked, yet who motivated him to get better. Somebody who truly believed in his talents, and hardly ever complimented him because of that. Of course, she had to add a few flaws to his characterization, as Shoyo in high school, more or less, had quite a few. And so, he is high-strung, easily provoked, and a tad overly emotional, yet motivated, inspirational, emotionally intelligent, and energetic. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>* She has yet to figure out the plot of her work, but she's leaned towards psychological horror multiple times. Psychological horror usually aims to create discomfort or dread by exposing common or universal psychological and emotional vulnerabilities or fears. It reveals the darker parts of the human psyche. Most people repress or deny these darker parts, these.. unfortunate pieces of themselves that most people believe are abnormal, or should be extinguished. She wanted her protagonist to have such a genuine struggle, and one of these struggles is coming to terms with his sexuality. Multiple times in the story, he ruins the relationship with his potential partner just because of his internalized homophobia. The heartbreak he retains from not being able to confess sends him into a deep depression and causes him to reevaluate everything about himself, from how he struggles to keep his emotions in check, to how he has a paralyzing fear of rejection. He was trying to help himself by attempting to figure out who he truly is, but in the end, it has the opposite effect. He ended up losing himself to his subconscious and began to have horrifying nightmares. And as his mental state began to worsen, the beings from his nightmares started to conjure as illusions while he was awake. This is what finally tipped him over the edge, and with nobody to talk to, he went berserk. He couldn't eat, sleep, or go outside. He couldn't do anything that would truly benefit himself. And so, he eventually decided that he had had enough of not being able to understand himself. When his partner finally sucked up the courage to speak with him about how he felt, the protagonist had already ended his life.</p>
<p>Reality, to put it simply, is a piece of shit, and she wanted to convey that harsh truth into her writing. A line that is stated by the main character is, "if there are infinite realities, what kind of sick joke was it to put me in this one?" In a way, she wanted to choose a line that could be seen as.. a tad bit overdramatic for certain readers, as that is how the character is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You okay?" </p>
<p>Yachi shook her head to rid herself of her semi-disturbing plot-line.</p>
<p>"Hm?" The noise barely made a sound as it left her throat.</p>
<p>Tadashi gave her a worried glance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I wanted to know if you're alright. You've been staring at a blank piece of paper for nearly 10 minutes."</p>
<p>Well, that's embarrassing. She didn't even realize she wasn't writing down her entire monologue about her story.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm good! Just a little zoned out, I guess."</p>
<p>"You guess? You look like you're on Cloud 9." Tadashi's bottom lip curled in amusement, and he let out this little <em>heh</em>. He still has the same.. uh, cute, laugh he had back in high school.</p>
<p><em>Oddly </em>cute was a better description. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yeah well, I've been in a hospital for almost a week now. I guess I'm a little..." She waved her hands around, attempting to describe her, 'I'm on a fucking emotional cloud' feeling. </p>
<p>Tadashi gave her a warm smile and nodded. Yachi knew that he had had that indescribable emotion before, and it was good to have somebody to relate to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"So.. what's your story gonna be about?"</p>
<p>Yachi smiled and handed him the beginning of her rough draft. (The one she actually wrote down, anyway.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As it turns out, Tadashi was a <em>fantastic </em>person to take advice from when it comes to literature. His ideas, vocabulary, and wonderfully poetic descriptive sentences, made Yachi's rough draft 10x better. For the rest of the day, Tadashi helped her sort out her nonsensical and incomprehensible writing that stemmed from her imagination. It took hours upon hours just to make her written thoughts easy to understand, and they both even teared up when attempting to write out the main character's suicide. It was fun! Being able to talk to somebody about literature is fantastic, and it's even better when they're intelligent enough to understand your analyses. Yachi doesn't think she's ever met anybody who appreciates writing as much as Tadashi, and it was nice to work with him. Even if just for a little while. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Listen, Yachi. Your story is fantastic."</p>
<p>Yachi's eyes widened slightly, and a searing heat rushed to her cheeks.</p>
<p>"Er- really?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yeah! As long as this story goes on, I'll always say that I'm excited to read the next chapter. I look forward to working with you."</p>
<p>"And it makes me happy knowing that you're doing something you enjoy. I think it's amazing that you're writing your own story, and I believe Hinata would be thrilled to hear that your main character is inspired by him." Tadashi put his hand on Yachi's, and smiled. A real, genuine smile.</p>
<p>Yachi awkwardly stuck out her arms and wrapped them around Tadashi. It was nice to feel the warmth of another person, even though her tears were making it an awkward.. liquidity heat. That annoying yet obnoxiously loud breath most people try to avoid when crying escaped her lips. She always hated that, but when Tadashi squeezed her a bit tighter, her breathing settled. Along with her heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The faint humming of a firework ascending into the sky startled Yachi and Tadashi, as it exploded, (what seemed like) right next to their ears.</p>
<p>"Fireworks?" Tadashi uncovered his ears and glanced outside the window, his heart settling back down.</p>
<p>"That's weird.." Yachi exhaled, intrigued.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Could you help me stand up?" She stuck out her arms and leaned towards the edge of her hospital bed.</p>
<p>Tadashi gave her a worried expression.</p>
<p>"Are you sure? I wouldn't wanna hurt you."</p>
<p>"I probably shouldn't stand, but I really wanna see these fireworks." </p>
<p><em>This is the last time I'll ever get to witness them</em>, she thought, a slight pang forming in her gut. As true as that thought maybe, she didn't have the heart to say it out loud. Even so, she wondered how Tadashi would've reacted, and that almost made her feel sorry for him.</p>
<p>Almost.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi gently wrapped Yachi's arm over his shoulder and walked over to her giant hospital room window and opened it, the wideness of it giving both of them a beautifully panoramic view as the fireworks crackled and boomed with vibrant colors, the loudness of the detonations practically making the deaf. </p>
<p>But they sure were beautiful. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*  "If I had to go, I wanna go just as beautifully.." Yachi exhaled, her breath visible in the icy brightness. She quickly caught what she said, and panicked, facing Tadashi with a, 'I'm totally joking,' hand motion. But before she could utter a single word, she caught a glimpse of Tadashi's expression. It was painstakingly horrible to watch as his eyes watered, the fireworks making his transparent tears glow. Yachi looked up at the sky and immediately felt the guilt wash over her. </p>
<p>It was strong enough to knock her over.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." A part of her despised herself for apologizing. Just because she wants her life to end, should she really let herself be guilt-tripped into staying alive?</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." She whispered again, her words thick with hatred and disgust towards herself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tadashi wiped his tears away, sadness turning to genuine understanding.</p>
<p>"I know what you mean."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hi," a quiet, sweet voice called from behind Tadashi and Yachi, the door to the hospital room closing. Startled, they whipped around, their hearts nearly leaping out the window. They both were caught up in the moment and didn't even realize the person had entered until they said something. </p>
<p>"I hope I'm not intruding."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yachi's heart dropped.</p>
<p>The last person she wanted to see, and she just shows up. Why is she not surprised? It was like some god-awful joke. If anything, it wasn't a joke at all, but Yachi finds it funny. Almost like how the average person would find karma amusing once it's bestowed upon somebody they hate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"..Kiyoko..."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yachi's collarbones finally snapped.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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